Misunderstand your news

I don't know how many of you folks have ever heard of this, but there is a newspaper called the Onion. Now, it's not like your average printed media, it takes the news to the extreme. It's really a joke newspaper. Headlines reading, "Pope Returns To Vatican With Comprehensive Plan to Blow Up United States" and "Man disappears in Mysterious Kansas Rectangle" give a really good look at how they do news. Most of the articles are either really twisted outlooks at real events or made up entirely. Even small stuff such as the horoscopes are amusing, with sayings like, They may think they have you beat, but soon the tables will turn, sending the Scrabble board and all it's wooden tiles onto the floor; this coming week will be influenced by forces outside your control, namely, gravity, linear momentum, and high velocity traction; and the strange men in lab coats, aggravated by your resistance, will turn the dial to 60. They will then repeat their question for the last time. They even have wicked stuff you can buy:
I need this shirt

Check it out at www.theonion.com

Alchohol Story

Alcohol. The substance made from malted cereal grains, yeast, water, and other ingredients, that alter chemicals in one’s body and mind. There’s a few types of alcohol, beer, wine, hard spirits, each with its own subcategories. And I have indulged in most of the over the years, even though technically I’m not considered of age to do so. Unlike the normal person, I don’t black out when I drink; I tend to remember things quite well. Such, for instance, the first time I ever drank alcohol. It was the last weekend in June, the summer between my freshman and sophomore year of high school. I was fifteen at the time.

My friends began experimenting with alcohol the summer prior to this, and had offered my drinks in the past. I always stated I wouldn’t drink until I turned sixteen, so I could ‘legally’ drink and drive. But on this particular night, my friends had acquired a bottle of Captain Morgan Original Spiced Rum. I overheard people claim that this was one of the greatest concoctions created by man, but like Adam and Eve with the forbidden fruit, the temptation to try it was overwhelming. I wouldn’t normally have gone through with the night’s activities otherwise. There were eight of us, or was it nine? I’m not 100 percent sure, my memory fails me. My friends Brady, Phil, my cousin Scott, Greg and his stoner cousin, Renee, and either Meghan or Christa, possibly both. We were walking to Brady’s house, since his parents were out for the evening. On the way, we stopped to check out my newly acquired car, but in reality, it was just a safe place to refill the mixed drinks.

We made it to Brady’s house and retired to the outdoor balcony on the second floor. My throat had grown parched and went to the basement for a soda. Since I had intended to drink some of the rum, I had hoped for Coke Cola, the prime mixer of choice for Morgan. But alas, all there was were Mountain Dew and root beer. I chose the root beer, going on the concept of dark drink, dark soda. I sipped on the pop and waited ‘til the sky grew dark before I asked, “Could I have some of that stuff there?” referring to the spirit. My friends, astounded and amazed, congratulated me on lasting this long and welcomed me to the ‘dark side’. I topped off my soda with the rum, roughly filling one third of the can. I put it to my lips and let the liquid flow into my mouth. For as long as I walk the Earth, I will never forget the sensation. The flavor, the feeling is hard to describe. There was this sweetness, but more noticeable was the burn, the beautiful fiery burn. It was like I had swallowed liquid hot magma, but it was pleasurable. When I exhaled, I felt a similar feeling one gets from eating something with cinnamon and mint, but more intense. I enjoyed the rest of the night, socializing with my friends and feeling the alcohol’s effects.

Later in the night, I experienced another first. We ordered a pizza from the local bar, which had been recently purchased by my cousins. I had never had the pizza my friends ordered, but they insisted. Pepperoni and hot cheese. Oh, it was glorious. The rum’s effect on taste and fiery burn coupled nicely with the spice of the pizza. Wonderful…And that was just the beginning of my on going relationship with alcohol.

Couple thoughts, resumed

Alright, now for my Hall of Shame list.

Winter; Who the hell invented this? Sure, sliding around corners sideways like some deranged Norwegian rally car driver is fun and all, but that is quickly forgotten when you have to shovel your rig out from under two feet of snow, dig a path around it so can get going, pump the brakes at every corner, and get stuck every time you have to stop. Add the stupidly cold temperatures, ice that ya slip on, and losing hours of daylight, and you get the worst season ever made.

Nickleback/Buck Cherry/ Kid Rock, etc.; Pretty much all newer rock music out there. I'm not gonna dwell on this, as this topic will probably make it's own blog post. Stay tuned.

People who can't STFU; You know who you are. You sit there and nod as they tell you some stupid story, but all the while you're thinking, "I don't care, shut up, go away, stop talking, no really, stop, jump of a cliff..." I swear, some people talk just to here their damn voice. It's bloody annoying. So enough all ready and STFU!

Sunday Drivers; Yes, it is true, I have a leaden right foot, and I like driving faster than need be, but, there is no reason for one to have to idle down the fricken' road at 12 miles an hour! It's even worse when they're in a 45 mph zone. Living in a small country town means we have more than are share of old people who slowly sputter down the road at a snail's pace. See that pedal on the floor, to the right off the brake? Yeah, that's the accelerator, use it! If that's all the faster you can muster, than perhaps you shouldn't drive.

Michalob Golden Light/ Vodka drinkers; I'll group these folk into one category, since they are pretty much the same. Who in their right minds would drink Michalob? No self respecting Graceville-nite, that's for sure. It's worse than Busch. Light beers are pretty much piss water anyways, but why would you drink sugary piss water? Grow a pair and drink a Bud, Miller, or Coors. Or really be a man and have a real beer, like a Grain Belt, Lennincugal (sp?), or Killian's Irish Red. As for you vodka drinkers, if you're gonna drink spirits, drink something that has flavor. Whiskey, brandy, rum, gin, or even tequila (if you can stomach it) would be a better option, I mean, really.

Couple thoughts

Alright, I'm gonna talk about my Hall of Fame/Shame. Just some rants and raves I've thought of. I'll break this into two parts to make it easier.

First off, the Hall of Fame:
The American Motors Corporation; formed when Hudson and Nash merged back in the fifties, only to get bought out by Chrysler in '87, the last of the independent automobile cars manufacturers in the U.S. While many would say that they where a poor company(actually, most people probably haven't ever heard of them), I think they produced some of the coolest rigs to roll down the road. The AMX Sport Coupe, the Javelin, Rebel, Rambler, Matador, Pacer, Spirit, Gremlin, all wicked cars that feed my odd ball side. Someday I wish to own one (or six) of them.

Tom Collins; how much of a bad ass does one have to be to have a drink named after you? I'm sure Tom Collins does. It be awesome if I were to have a drink named after me. OK, so I've never had one of these drinks, so I can't say how good they are, but I'm sure they are as bad ass as they're namesake. Here's to Tom!

Power106.3, aka KPHR out of Watertown, SD; I sincerely thank the ones who created this radio station. Without you, I would have had to endure the countless craptastic country stations and lousy new pop/Top 40 hit stations throughout my teens. What could be cooler than a radio station that gives away Harleys during the summer and free beer every Friday? Add that to the all request Lunch hours and Saturday nights and you've got a winner! Long live rock.

Black Velvet; Don't get me wrong, while I like Canada, they're just like that unambitious, screw up, loser friend you had in high school (crap, did I just describe myself?). They're not much good for anything. But, luckily, they were able to get three thing right: Bacon, hockey, and whiskey. When it comes down to it, what else do you need? Out of all their whiskeys though, I'd have to say Black Velvet is the best. Toast!

And lastly, Top Gear; For those you don't know, Top Gear is a British automotive program. And, unlike most of the British Empire, it doesn't suck. They do all sort of test with new super cars, as well as celebrity interviews and cheap car challenges, all mixed with zany British humor. It's defiantly worth watching.

Looks like the start of something new....

Well, this is the beginning of my blog. This is kind of a experiment, so we'll see how well the goes. It may turn out to be a wicked success, not unlike the original 1964 Ford Mustang, or it may become an infamous failure, similar to the old British Leyland Rovers. Only time will tell. Let's put the hammer down and give 'er hell!